A birthday blog

So, 37 years ago today I was born. First of all I was late by a few days, then even later as when mum went into labour, the hospital gave her an injection to numb the pain, which made everything stop. When I did finally arrive, at 3:07AM on a Wednesday November morning, I had to be dragged out with forceps, or so I am told.
Years later when I started delving into how events can affect us even early on in the womb, and about the spiritual practice of re-birthing (during my days editing the magazines Soul&Spirit) I began to wonder whether this early experience had had an impact on me throughout life. I've often been quite indecisive by nature and many times have worked up towards doing something exciting or big, only to get scared and back out at the last minute. It was usually only if someone else was involved in the process and was there to literally drag me through it, that I would proceed. This applied to job offers, houses/flats, and traveling. Was it too much of a stretch of the imagination to link my birth experience – not that I can actually remember any of it myself of course – to my later struggles? Or perhaps I was just trying to create an excuse for why I had so often failed to act when opportunities arose.

Being re-born
Back in July I went to see the wonderful craniosacral therapist Sheila Camino on Harley Street. It was for other health-related reasons but, quite unsurprisingly, during the treatment she said she could feel immense pressure on my head and asked me about my birth. When I said I'd had a forceps delivery she said she could energetically feel them squashing my skull. So, she talked me through a re-birthing process whereby the grown-up me reassured the tiny baby me that there was nothing to be afraid of and that the hold up was merely so the people on the outside could sort out a few things, and it was nothing to worry about. Then she got me to visualise myself coming down through the birth canal and easily out into the open into my mother's arms without any assistance. The amazing thing was that as she held my head in her hands I literally felt an energetic shift take place as if some sections of my skull where actually moving, a bit like tectonic plates that slide against each other. Afterwards I felt so incredible: light, free happy, and truly like I had been reborn. Also, a lump on the lower left side of the back of my skull, which has been there for as long as I can remember, had miraculously decreases in size, too. Sadly the positive effects started to wear off slightly after a month - perhaps due to stress - and some of the tension in my head and neck  returned. However as I begin today and new year of my life, this experience came back to mine, and how we tell ourselves stories - often not very helpful ones. This story that how I was born may have affected my decision making is not helpful and is just limiting. The self-help giant Tony Robbins, author of numerous motivation and productivity books, says to get anything done in life, a big part of it comes down to the stories you tell, both to yourself and others. And if I'm totally honest, a lot of the tales I tell myself with regards to my past, present and future are not all that positive. For example, I quite often tell myself it's too late for me to do something I really want to do, and that I have missed the boat in some way. In my mind I replay events of the past and wonder why on earth I didn't do them differently - listening to the inner critic having a field day. But realistically, I couldn't have done many things different because I didn't have the right mindset back then either! I was often filled with self-doubt or fear, and you can't achieve great things from those emotional states.

My new year resolution
So, this year is the year I will tell myself that I can do things I still want to do. That I can join another dance group and that I am good enough (and that so what I didn't make it into a career). And, that I can write a book because what I have to say has value and worth. What's more, I am allowed to take time purely for me to pursue my creativity rather than feeling guilty for not always doing something productive at every moment. I will also endeavour to tell more positive stories about my past, focusing on the amazing things I have done and achieved rather than what I didn't do. 
This morning I read a really great quote from the Abraham newsletter I receive daily. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It said that we humans often waste time thinking our ship has sailed so it's too late. But they say, 'There are lots more ships! Stop worrying about the one you missed and focus on the other ones coming towards you and choose to board one of those instead!' It sounds so simple yet is often hard to do. Nevertheless, it's better for us emotionally to believe there is still a chance and it is still worth pursuing our dreams, no matter how old we are. I certainly want to go on dancing into my 90s and who knows, maybe you'll see me competing on Britain's Got Talent (if it's still going in about 50 years, or some other version) and being like Paddy - if you haven't seen her inspiring dance, please check it out here. That's my idea of being an old lady!

How to find buried treasure from the past

The past never truly goes away, especially if it had emotional significance. Relationships especially. Just when you think they're dead and buried, the past pops up to take you back down memory lane. And it doesn't even have to be actual relationships, it can be passionate 'liaisons' you had when you were barely out of your teens that left an indelible mark on your psyche. The reason I say this is because yesterday I got a message out of the Facebook blue from a former flame from my college days. I won't go into detail, suffice to say I'd been on his mind and, apparently, in his dreams. We were only in each others' lives for five months or so, but yet the memories had lasted much longer. Why contact me now, I was wondering? What did it mean, if anything?
Then it occurred to me I'd been reading a book called Finding Inner Courage, by Mark Nepo (Heron Books; £12.99 Amazon.com), only the previous day, and had opened it 'randomly' at a chapter about a building project that had been stalled when they unearthed the ruins of an old city, and had to get archaeologists in. The part I'd most pondered was this: "What stays with me is this question of how to build on the past. For aren't we all pressed with excitement and necessity to build new homes, new relationships, new careers, new lives  - always pressed by some real or imagined deadline, eager to get the thing done? Yet suddenly, if blessed, we trip on something of the past and, just as it feels that we are stalled, the thought appears that the need to dig in order to build might be God's way to unearth our foundation."

Learning from our mistakes
And while my eye is on the future, with regards to relationships and what might occur this year, perhaps this little interlude from the past has arrisen to show me something. Though too much backwards glancing is counter-productive in that it prevents us living in the now - and Lord knows I'm guilty of that one - sometimes remembering where we've been, who we were back then, and where we came from, can inform our choices in the present, and remind us of certain mistakes we may have made so as to avoid them again.
We can all look back and regret things, wondering what would have happened had we taken this path or that; again, this is something I've been guilty of far too much. But to be proactive about it, as Mark Nepo suggests, is to think 'OK, I made this choice and this, now what do I want to do and who do I want to be? If the past has any point at all it is to learn from and grow as human beings. None of us is perfect and I reckon everyone has something they said or did of which they are ashamed, but we can't keep carrying those burdens around, shackled to the regret, remorse or 'missed opportunities'.

Energetic connections
Did I 'cosmic order' his message somehow? After all, I do still have the university teddy bear mascots on my bed, and, since moving house, a picture of the college building on the mantelpiece. And I was only the other day talking to my house mate about the teddies saying where they came from. Was I energetically reconnecting to that part of my life, hence opening up the channel to receive a message from someone connected to that time? Or am I reading too much into it? Either way, as storyteller Mark Nepo suggests, it's brought up an opportunity to reflect on the issues of that year, and the romantic mess I created, and perhaps as a reminder not to do the same again. It also makes me think back to my hopes and dreams as a naive 20-year-old, and how I've fulfilled some of them, such as editing not one but two great magazines, which has been a blessing and a dream come true (Soul&Spirit and Bodyfit) but how other 'fantasies' have remained shelved because I never thought them possible, namely my desire to dance in professional shows, which was always a pipe dream.. It might be too late for that one - but I guess it only is if i think it is.

Pearls of wisdom
I think we can all learn a lot from the relationships of our past, good or bad. I was recently talking to TV presenter Amanda Byram (amandabyram.com) and she said something very wise on the subject, which was that each relationship brings us closer to who we really are. Few people get lucky enough to be with someone from 18 through to when they die, and those that do often have other life issues to contend with. The rest of us go through a series of learning experiences, each one of which can, if you take time to unearth the gems hidden within the remnants of the relationship, help you discern more about who you are and who you want to become. It's only by being with people who challenge us and push our buttons that we get to grow, painfully at times, into the people we are destined to be. And that's the benefit of digging back into the treasure chest of the past. Just don't stay there for too long or you miss the beauty in the present moment!

Being part of Strictly (well, by association!)

Can't believe it's more than a month since my dance lesson with Camilla Dallerup - former winner of Strictly Come Dancing (Strictly Come Dancing). I spent about three hours getting to the lesson, in Sunbury Upon Thames, but it was so worth the trip. We spent the time working on my rumba action, which was a bit lame as I wasn't using my legs properly - not straightening them enough or using my muscles correctly. After half an hour I could already feel my limbs aching! And rumba is the slowest dance too.

STRICTLY PALS: With Camilla Dallerup-Sacre, former winner of Strictly Come Dancing in 2008 and now not only a dance teacher but an NLP master! 

It was great to see Camilla again. She writes for Bodyfit, but I met her a few years back interviewing her for Soul&Spirit magazine, which I edited for five years (Camilla is into all the same spiritual stuff as me, i.e. crystals, law of attraction, that kinda thing. In fact, she has launched her new website camillasacredallerup.com all about her life coaching/NLP work - check it out!). And the lesson taught me so much - I never knew rumba was quite so technical! Just listening to the music and dancing around the studio felt so great. I litereally come alive when I'm dancing, though I still feel a bit shy in front of others, and only really let loose the real me when prancing in front of my bedroom mirror. I don't know why that is: fear of looking silly, perhaps, or not being good enough (yes, that's prob it, me and my perfectionist tendencies).

SPIRITUAL CONNECTIONS: Meeting Camilla for the first time at the Hay House I Can Do It event in 2011 in London

Since the lesson I've been practicing my rumba walks as often as possible, including that same day as I went to a salsa night and must have looked rather odd to all the other dancers as I kept sashaying across the carpet at the front of the room on my own, doing a very non-salsa dance. I did some more on stage at a salsa night the other week, while waiting for the DJ to change tracks and then come dance cha cha with me - which is just a faster version of rumba anyway). And I also practised them at the launch of Flavia and Russell Grant's Zalsa Fitness DVD (zalzafitness.com) at Pineapple studios (pineapple.uk.com), as they did a short class to introduce a group of journos to the DVD routines, one of which was rumba.

Strictly dreams...
Ever since watching the first episode of Strictly back in 2004, I've always said I wanted to be on the show, but not being a celeb or a pro dancer was going to make it tricky! Unless I got the job presenting It Take's Two.. Now there's a thought. But then the other day it occured to me that between my self and the two deputy editor's I've worked with on Soul&Spirit and Bodyfit, we've interviewed most of the pros and a fair number of the celebs too! I met Anton when he was holding auditions for members of the public to be in a dance event at Trafalgar square back in 2006, I think; I interviewed Darren Bennett and his wife Lilia for the EADT newspaper where I used to work (and Darren's brother Dale used to dance with a girl from my old school too). I have a pic of me with them somewhere, just can't find it; I've interviewed and met Flavia and her former celeb partner Russell Grant ...

GETTING ZALZA FIT! With Russell and Flavia at the launch of their Zalsa Fitness DVD at Pineapple studios, London, early March

KEEEEP DANCING! With Karen Hardy at her studios in Imperial Wharf, London, where I did a workshop and later a private lesson - more rumba to practise what I'd learned with Camilla weeks earlier

... Karen Hardy last December when I interviewed her for Bodyfit and did her dance workshop (karenhardystudios.com); I met Andrew Cuerden, who was in the first series, at a salsa holiday weekend in Suffolk many moons ago, I interviewed Kristina Rihanoff over the phone, and we've got Natalie Lowe going into the mag in a month or so. And I also interviewed Robin Windsor for my local rag, when he was first in Burn the Floor, before Striclty, and had dance lessons with his dad in a village hall in Suffolk for a few months!!! (by the way, Burn the Floor is on again in the West End and I'm so excited and will def be going at some point (burnthefloor.com)
On the celeb side there's Lynda Bellingham, Gabby Logan and, of course, Russell, who I've already mentioned. I'm sure there are more and I just can't remember right now.
I also used to dance at the same school as Crystal Main (who was one of the group dancers on Stricly and went on to be in Brendan Cole's show). So, I reckon I HAVE been part of Stricly by association! Well, that's what I like to think anyway :-)
For now, I'm hooked on ballroom and Latin again I want to do a ProAm competition (where you compete with a professional), and also take part in the showcase coming up at Karen Hardy's Studio at the end of April... watch this space!
As Camilla says on her coaching website, you have to 'Dream, Act, Believe', so perhaps if I focus enough positive intentions on my dancing dreams, I might just turn them into a reality. Life has a funny way of manifesting what you want when you relax and get out of your own way :-) Fingers crossed!

Getting what you want (by doing nothing)

Woke up nice and early, appreciating the extra hour as it allowed me some time to meditate for first time in ages. Was looking forward to my Skype session with Damian Smyth, author of Do Nothing: Stop Looking, Start Living (amazon.co.uk). My expectations were that I'd finish the session with an action plan for my book, list of things 'to do' and feeling motivated to get started once and for all. However - and I ought to have guessed, considering his book title - what transpired was rather than focusing on things I need to do, Damian advised me to take the day off and enjoy myself, rather than focusing on goals. What?!?!? But I'd planned to be so productive this weekend! This was not what I wanted to hear. Having listened to me ramble on for five minutes about why I want to write and what I want to accomplish, he told me something I felt was counter intuitive to progress: take the day off!
Here's some of what he said, which you may find applicable to your life too if, like me, you keep striving to 'get somewhere'.

"Just go and have some fun and don't think about anything else. All the times you put yourself on the hook, that's you doing it to yourself and you can take yourself off the hook; you're OK where you are and as you are; everything is and has happened perfectly; as soon as you surrender to the idea of something you know is going to happen, it will happen. Stop fighting to find a way to make things occur. The way to do it is let go, find out who you are, and love yourself."

Interesting! and something I've heard and been told countless times from various mentors and self-help gurus during my time at Soul&Spirit magazine. 

Lifting the oars...
"If you are rowing upstream and putting all your effort into it, and you suddenly realise the boat is going in the wrong direction, the best thing to do is not turn the boat around, but just lift the oars. Stop doing things you think are going to work; stop the doing and trying."

This 'Go with the flow' advice is as old as the hills but perhaps it's for a reason. Maybe I am trying to hard, even though to me it doesn't feel like I am as I'm not 'getting anywhere', but my mind is like a constant battlefield of thoughts about 'you should be doing this, that and the other' or, worse, 'you should have done that already and have wasted years'. Those thoughts make it almost impossible to be creative and move forward with anything at all. Feeling not good enough or satisfied either with what I have, what I have achieved, or who I am, isn't helpful. Oh, and I love the tag line on his Skype account, which is 'you will Find the answer by realising you already have it'. Nice.

Learning to love yourself
On this subject of approving of oneself, back in September at Hay House's I Can Do It! conference in London (hayhouse.com), I realised that actions coming from a place of acceptance and self-approval are bound to be more productive than ones that are born out of fear and self-loathing. After that weekend, I vowed to treat myself as a best friend would, and ditch the negative talk. It lasted about a day, but it was a start... there are years of criticism there to work on!
Wayne Dyer, a Hay House author and one of my most favourite spiritual speakers, says we must "abstain from thoughts of harm, whether directed towards ourselves or others". For me, it's a case of breaking the habit of a lifetime, or, as some have advised, letting it go, as 'breaking' implies force; what's gentler is to greet the inner critic with amusement, thank it for its concern, then let it pass by.

Lady of leisure!
So, Damain told me to enjoy my day, go to a spa, the gym, into the park, to a coffee shop to have a huge piece of cake - whatever it was, just to be kind to myself and completely take my mind of 'achievements'.
I've started with catching up on my fav programme of all time, Strictly Come Dancing, and that put a huge smile on my face. The rest of the day I may just lounge on the sofa reading books that make me feel good, starting with the final instalment of The Celestine Prophecy series: The Twelfth Insight. I wonder whether I can go the whole day without thinking and feeling that I ought to be 'doing' something more 'useful'...

How do you want to grow old?

Can you bypass ill health and grow old gracefully? A walk in the park causes Katy to ponder the ageing process, and how a lot of it is determined by our attitude towards getting older, and the thoughts we think

Yesterday as I was wandering through Abby fields in Colchester - part of an epic walk from one end of the town to the other, just to take a lamp to be fixed - I passed a lady whom I'd guess was probably in her late 60s; she had sleek, grey hair cut into a bob, smart sunglasses, and a confident air. Something about her made me stand up straighter, take deep breathes and hold my shoulders back. I had a thought, albeit fleeting, that I'd like to grow old and look like her. Now, I don't know what her life is actually like as we never got talking, but looked healthy and happy.
At the same time I spied her, I was pulling my iPhone out of my pocket, which at that very moment began playing a track from a talk by Louise Hay about growing older - I must have pressed a button accidentally, though I thought it was locked. (on that note, I've noticed a number of times how it seems to pick out songs that seem relevant to the moment; not so long ago I was sure the device was warning me off seeing a certain man, as it kept selecting tracks at poignant moments to do with being broken hearted; turns out it was probably right, but that's another story...)

choose how you age...
Anyway, Louise Hay's talk, given some 6-7 years ago, was about how she wants to create a community called 'Elders of Excellence'. She says that though we all get older, we have a large part to play in the process and must all take responsibility for our health. She also points out that whatever age you deem to be 'middle age', is when you will begin to deteriorate physically, which is an idea also espoused by Deepak Chopra, author of Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul, who says we can change our very DNA through our thoughts, and that we, not doctors, are the ones who heal ourselves.
Anyway, I found it somewhat synchronous that within seconds I'd seen a healthy elderly lady, who just by virtue of passing by had caused me to consider my own health and longevity, and at the same time my iPod chose to play Louise Hay's words echoing my own thoughts.

no excuses
As it happened, I had just been for a jog - making the most of the glorious sunny autumn day - and had included some high intensity interval training, which is basically short, intense bursts of activity, such as jumps, sprints, press ups etc, followed by a short rest period.
Having just switched from editing Soul&Spirit to Bodyfit, my thougths are naturally turning more towards my physical and not just emotional and spiritual self, and I've made the commitment to not only strengthen my muscles and increase my cardiovascular health, but to increase my flexibility so I'm able to do the splits - I've given myself 12 months to achieve the latter. And I now believe it's possible. Deepak, Louise, Wayne Dyer and a number of other spiritual gurus all tell us the same thing: that if you believe something, you can achieve it and experience it. For years I held the limiting belief of "I'm not flexible". Well, as Wayne would say, whatever you put after the words 'I am' is critical to success or failure (for more on this, see his latest book Wishes Fulfilled, which is one of the best on manifesting that I've ever read). So, by saying, 'I am not flexible' I was enforcing that belief. However, last year I got sent the updated version of Vanda Scaravelli's Awakening the Spine, and was amazed and encouraged by images of this slight, 90-year-old woman putting her feet behind her head and bending into the most incredible postures. And she only began yoga in her forties. I also watched some Youtube videos of women who've taught their bodies to do the splits in just a few months by practising each day. So, no more excuses for me....

healthy mind = healthy body
What we do with our bodies and minds, not to mention what we put into them, IS our choice. We choose what to eat, drink and think. but it's a daily, hourly, even minute-by-minute practise. I won't get flexible overnight; progress, in any area of life, is often made by taking constant, continuous, little-by-little steps.
But the combination of seeing the elegant lady, hearing Louise's talk, and recalling Vanda's book all motivate me to take healthy actions so that, hopefully, I live to a ripe old age. I plan to be doing yoga - and the splits - in my nineties, and I have a feeling I'm going to grow old disgracefully, in that I'll be far less stressed and worried about what other people think by then. Though I do wish my grey hairs would hold off for another decade or so until I'm really ready for them!